I got caught in a limbo

Probably this is the worst case I've been into in the past two years - the feeling of being caught in an unintended limbo (or might be intended). Felt like my ego was crushed like a mashed potato. Even though it sounded so stupid and embarrassing (at least for me), I admit, I was, for the first time, been a victim of an asshole. Before I get into the petty bits of the story and talk about why my guarded self has permitted such thing to happen, I'll start with a positive note. Most of the people whom I talked to said that damn people we meet in our life teach us a lesson. I've sticked with that thought for a while now so I wouldn't be so hard on myself for being complacent with the people I surround myself with. Okay, so here goes the story.

First impressions do matter. If at some point you meet a person who is something off in the first place, trust me there really is something off in that person that you have to be careful about. Old friends of mine would know that I don't befriend people easily, not until I did that three-month volunteer program, which boosted my social skills and gave my life a 180-degree turn. My volunteer stint taught me to be more understanding (this remains a debate), to accept people as they are, and appreciate the beauty in diversity. Each of one us is unique, and that uniqueness is what makes each one of us stand out. I gained a really good network of strong individuals with that mindset whom I share with all my idiosyncrasies, and vice versa. They were the ones I met spontaneously and became my friends until now. What's common with all these people I met is - respect. We respect each other's background, opinions, and differences. But it might be important to note that these are the friends whom I met in a professional setting - like at work, meetings, and events. And yes, there is a line drawn between my professional and personal life. My circle of friends in each can be different or some may fill in both parts. You are someone I consider as a personal friend when I confide to you almost 24/7 and consider your opinion in my personal decisions. Most importantly, who know my family and I inside out. But ditch that friendship-rule of mine because that was just shattered into pieces, recently. 

So I really thought that I can understand pretty much all people, until I made an exception. LOL I don't really understand fuckboys. They are just so fucked up for people to understand them, and I don't want to get involved in them. And, apparently, the kind of "respect" that I usually get from my professional friends may not be common to some.

I think it is but right to say that out of the ten people we meet, lets say everyday, one of them is an oddball. And I think I just met the first in the many oddballs I would soon meet. The oddball that would break the rules which I have set for myself. I didn't ask for the oddball, it just came out of nowhere then suddenly, I had to deal with it (TF). As much as I don't want to romanticize anything, but, there is no other way of describing it anyhow LOL. The thing is, when I happen to meet a person professionally, they fall immediately in that friendship category. That person getting personal with me (note: getting personal in my own standard) is kind-of bizarre. Needless to say, that oddball has shown me some playful intimacy which is beyond my set standard. I have asked a handful of people about it and advised me to assess and to be logical instead of being too emotional. I waited, thinking that the oddball might soon realize that he got really personal with me and should be responsible for it. The waiting game was the limbo itself. It was a nightmare. No one noticed that it really hit me hard because I was such a great actress (LOL I know, I know, I can win an award). But those days were the dark times. I hated it. Even though I took precautionary measure by dealing with it 70/30 (IQ/EQ), yet feelings don't just shoo-away like animals do, I tell you. Nevertheless, I know for sure that that romantic feeling (uggh) was something induced because of the many variables that provoked that feeling.  I didn't entertain the thought of "falling" because it is not the way things should be (that's according to myself) because everything should've been clear in the first place. And in my case, it was as blur as the glass window covered in mist. The solution? Well, is to wipe the mist so I could get a clearer view from the window. In reality, talk about it and clarify things, no matter how awkward it is. After months, we did talk. He said sorry but I don't know why I feel like he has no sense of remorse. Oh my, are jerks like that? There's nothing wrong with changing, if you know it is for the better, all you males of the Earth. What's the point of staying as you are, if you are not doing women any good. Anyway, he can change or not, it's up to him. 

I understand that guys do impulsive things as a result of the awful things that happened to them, actually, WE ALL DO. But for me respect to women is non-negotiable. It is our discretion to make a sound decision and to consciously ask our self "Am I doing something right?", "Am I sending mixed signals?" Don't do it, if you have no intention of being responsible for it in the first place. Saying "I did not intend for that to happen" is a bullshit excuse, especially if it happened a number of times already. We all have a choice, and the choices we make define us. Perhaps, I also have a fault on the matter. I lost control and gave him the leeway to do that to me. Oh well... still it doesn't change the fact that he is a douche (LOL)

As much as I hope that what jerks' say would make sense, they actually don't. Because, jerks are jerks, and they don't make sense (I need to credit my friend for that). #BitternessOverload

P.S: These are exaggerated afterthoughts of an NBSB like me while in the current state of extreme anger and disappointment. 

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