First boss

Recounting what I learned from my first-ever boss...

Just before Christmas, we lost my first-ever boss, who taught me the value of grit, hard work, punctuality, and resilience in the real world. 

Our offices were not the typical four-cornered walls but cafes and food chains at malls where we bask to get free wifi as we indulge in food that he would gladly order for us free. He loved to work outdoors, which tested our navigation skills around the Metro. For him, there were no 8 to 4 or 9 to 5 working hours. Work for him was round-the-clock as long as it was not done. 

Clean but not clean

Perhaps, we are better off cleaning the house we are renting ourselves...

We have a cleaner who comes twice a month to clean the house. She only speaks Dutch, so I always have my phone handy to translate and to keep up with the conversation in case we want something specific to be cleaned. This is for instances when I happen to be awake when she comes.

Authentic artist

I always find it fascinating whenever artists give the meaning behind their songs... it’s like knowing how deep they can get. Then I juxtapose what the song meant to me with what it actually meant to them. Interesting to find similar and varying meanings drawn from a single song.

And Reese gives that satisfaction. The depth of the lyrics and the story behind, she explains it every time she releases one song. 

Maybe I like the fact that some artists play for the love of it. Not just the money in it. Because that’s how authentic an artist can be.

I'm broken and I still am

I remember the time when I would mope at my own discrepancies. Then, I realized that it was actually the people I was surrounded with that made me feel that way.

The egoistic, individualistic culture and toxic criticisms killed all the hopes that I had. It wasn’t a good sign. I left.

But you know, when you have your fill of worst things, you view things differently. You doubt people a lot. Trust is lost. The kindness and generosity I received the past years felt like something I did not deserve. And that in some way, somehow, there is something in it for exchange. I wasn’t happy. I was lost. I sulked at the thought of what-ifs. 

I realized how broken I was. The pain I carried for so many years was burrowing a hole inside me. I was never healed; I just pretended to be. And I still am.

Do grades matter more than grit?

If grades are the sole measure of a person’s worth... then I may not be deemed worthy (men I’m just surviving, drifting as I go lols) 

Funny how some people downsize someone’s worth into digits. Or are they too narrow-minded to think so? They must have not factored in, you know, other variables that make up a person as a whole. 

Because grades are just numbers that 10 years from now, I doubt would even matter. We are on and about with our lives, paying the bills, raising kids (if we happen to marry), starting a business, and probably working on that job we always wanted. 

Grit matters too, even more than grades, if you want to survive in this world.

One year in Ghent

My arrival wasn’t a pleasant one. 

The gray sky above our heads, empty streets, rainy afternoon — sort of became our welcome parade.

For me it was a normal move to a different place that I do every once in a while. Nothing special, no spark (really sounds like a downer 😅). It didn’t feel like I was in a different country at all, except that I see different races, fancy streets, and old iconic European facades. 

The pandemic probably spoiled all the excitement and fun that I had. I had my mind set on a worst-case scenario mode which continued until the end of the semester. Its a defense mechanism that I do when I don’t want disappointments to get into me (more like pretending actually 😁). 

Anyway, fast-forward with all the drama... here I am on the same city I came into a year ago but with a different vibe to it. It’s totally not the same from when I left it months ago. Life in it is back and I’m loving it.

Cheers to Jekk and I as we celebrate our one year of chasing the great perhaps, navigating through complex drama, and creating memories to last a lifetime. 😊

What we want

Maybe we are not meant for those who are fleeting and passing - when only a portion of ourselves they've come to know. 

In the end, we only want those who have seen our worst and torn selves to be part of our lives.

Barrio De Las Letras Tour in Madrid

Don Quixote de La Mancha is a book I haven’t read.

I remember we had this thin book with summaries of classic books and Don Quixote was one of those that I read which I was never interested in. 😅 I preferred Alexander Dumas’ Count of Monte Cristo, instead. 😉

Anyway, Cervantes wasn’t my go-to classic author despite being prominent.

Having the tour around Barrio de Las Letras is a good way to learn a few things about him if you care enough to know. 😅

How fucked up am I?

How fucked up am I?

I’ve been, ever since pain got me and deliberately hit me continuously. I remember running away from it rather than facing it head-on. But escaping from it is useless because, in the end, it traps me. 

You asked

What is so interesting about your dark and confusing world, you asked?

Maybe, because I can resonate with it so much. And that despite your dark world you manage to thrive. I have this unconventional attraction to those who are in the emotional abyss. I feel like I can dive freely into that deep and complicated emotions - soak myself in it until I get enough. 

Not feeling

Maybe when we feel unloved for a long time, we can hardly feel real love at all. Instead, we dodge it, delay it, shove it aside - then we realize that we’ve lost it. We are used to grieving anyway, the normal case.

There are many times, maybe, that I’ve lost it. I can’t pinpoint exactly when but I knew I felt it. But am so used to not trusting my gut feeling and not going for it. Now, I find myself chasing after the wrong people. Mostly, a one-sided fascination. I question whether they will ever love me or not because I have given myself way too much. 

But they never do. And the cycle goes on.

What passion truly means

 

You see, as a person who does or categorizes things in both extremes (like it or not), I struggle to be passionate about things I don't like doing. Ooohh if you find me doing things just fine, I might be pretending or faking it (lols) just to get by.

This statement of Francis Kong is something worth pondering about:

"Passion isn't about what you like or love to do. That could be a hobby. Passion is about doing the things you do excellently and even though at times you may not even feel like doing it."

An escape from lockdown

 

Despite its convenience, phone camera photos aren't as high res compared to real cameras. I should've brought my camera no matter how heavy it is. Now I'm stuck on using my phone for the next two years :)

This is just sublime. 

Stopped reading people

I think I try to read through people a lot. Trying to decipher them, even when, it’s unnecessary. Sometimes, I thought I did figure them out but only to find out that I didn’t. They are wired differently than I thought. 

So, this time around, I stopped wondering why people do what they do. Maybe, not really “stopped” but only focused on those who needed or deserved the attention or the thought. My mind’s space can only accommodate enough. Might as well use it for something worthwhile. 

Contemplating

The only bird that I see once in a while from my room’s window in Ghent was a black crow that would rest on an empty branch of a lone slim tree outside. I’m not kidding.

Now, I didn’t know I could appreciate birds so much. I lounged for a while lapping up the scene of them flocking on food given away by a stranger.

Perhaps, anything freely given or easily available can easily be devalued. But it is the absence of it that makes one yearn, wonder, and ponder - which makes us appreciate things even more.

Maybe it is human nature. Maybe it is personality. Maybe it is just the way it is. 

When do we draw the line?

I contemplate things that are not normal that become normal. What are the consequences if we continue to accommodate beyond our understanding?

Sometimes I think the world is twisted. As we move towards extreme civilization, new issues come up while we are still trying to fix issues of the past. A world run by the status quo makes things normal. But normality is not for everyone. We evolve trying to understand and accommodate the “new normal”. There can be no end to it, as long as humans make it logical and meaningful enough to happen.

Until when do we stop and think that we have changed what has been ‘natural’ in this world that we don’t recognize anymore.

On the rush

Am guilty of being too impatient to do almost anything. The downside of being always in the rush is not being mindful of the present or of the moment. By being more affixed on what comes next, I overlook the tiny details that I miss that are essential in the process. 

There are many other consequences that come with being decisive, aggressive, and assertive - but that’s who I am. I only hope that I’m not too aggravating to people around me (or maybe I already did, so I apologize if I did so 😬).