How am I?

I don't know what has been happening to me. Has it been 4 years or 5 years? I've lost count. 

My mind and these emotions are a recurring case. At times I find myself completely okay, but there are moments when I am not. And when that happens - I submerge myself into pity and anxiety. And in those moments I recount all those bad and unfortunate things that happened to me. I want to make it stop. I want to stop it playing like a camera record on loop in my head every time I feel like I am less of a person. I have done so much of figuring things out already. When I do get back up and started running again something will get in the way that'll hinder me from finishing the race. I'm just running in circles - no finish line. It gets tiring. And I'm tired of doing it over and over again. I couldn't win over my mind and my past.

So, if there is one thing that I'm afraid of? - it's the time when I just let myself lose forever. :(