Maybe, because I can resonate with it so much. And that despite your dark world you manage to thrive. I have this unconventional attraction to those who are in the emotional abyss. I feel like I can dive freely into that deep and complicated emotions - soak myself in it until I get enough.
Maybe when we feel unloved for a long time, we can hardly feel real love at all. Instead, we dodge it, delay it, shove it aside - then we realize that we’ve lost it. We are used to grieving anyway, the normal case.
There are many times, maybe, that I’ve lost it. I can’t pinpoint exactly when but I knew I felt it. But am so used to not trusting my gut feeling and not going for it. Now, I find myself chasing after the wrong people. Mostly, a one-sided fascination. I question whether they will ever love me or not because I have given myself way too much.
But they never do. And the cycle goes on.
You see, as a person who does or categorizes things in both extremes (like it or not), I struggle to be passionate about things I don't like doing. Ooohh if you find me doing things just fine, I might be pretending or faking it (lols) just to get by.
This statement of Francis Kong is something worth pondering about:
"Passion isn't about what you like or love to do. That could be a hobby. Passion is about doing the things you do excellently and even though at times you may not even feel like doing it."
Despite its convenience, phone camera photos aren't as high res compared to real cameras. I should've brought my camera no matter how heavy it is. Now I'm stuck on using my phone for the next two years :)
I think I try to read through people a lot. Trying to decipher them, even when, it’s unnecessary. Sometimes, I thought I did figure them out but only to find out that I didn’t. They are wired differently than I thought.
So, this time around, I stopped wondering why people do what they do. Maybe, not really “stopped” but only focused on those who needed or deserved the attention or the thought. My mind’s space can only accommodate enough. Might as well use it for something worthwhile.
The only bird that I see once in a while from my room’s window in Ghent was a black crow that would rest on an empty branch of a lone slim tree outside. I’m not kidding.
Now, I didn’t know I could appreciate birds so much. I lounged for a while lapping up the scene of them flocking on food given away by a stranger.
Perhaps, anything freely given or easily available can easily be devalued. But it is the absence of it that makes one yearn, wonder, and ponder - which makes us appreciate things even more.
Maybe it is human nature. Maybe it is personality. Maybe it is just the way it is.
I contemplate things that are not normal that become normal. What are the consequences if we continue to accommodate beyond our understanding?
Sometimes I think the world is twisted. As we move towards extreme civilization, new issues come up while we are still trying to fix issues of the past. A world run by the status quo makes things normal. But normality is not for everyone. We evolve trying to understand and accommodate the “new normal”. There can be no end to it, as long as humans make it logical and meaningful enough to happen.
Until when do we stop and think that we have changed what has been ‘natural’ in this world that we don’t recognize anymore.
Am guilty of being too impatient to do almost anything. The downside of being always in the rush is not being mindful of the present or of the moment. By being more affixed on what comes next, I overlook the tiny details that I miss that are essential in the process.
There are many other consequences that come with being decisive, aggressive, and assertive - but that’s who I am. I only hope that I’m not too aggravating to people around me (or maybe I already did, so I apologize if I did so 😬).
