What we want

Maybe we are not meant for those who are fleeting and passing - when only a portion of ourselves they've come to know. 

In the end, we only want those who have seen our worst and torn selves to be part of our lives.

Barrio De Las Letras Tour in Madrid

Don Quixote de La Mancha is a book I haven’t read.

I remember we had this thin book with summaries of classic books and Don Quixote was one of those that I read which I was never interested in. 😅 I preferred Alexander Dumas’ Count of Monte Cristo, instead. 😉

Anyway, Cervantes wasn’t my go-to classic author despite being prominent.

Having the tour around Barrio de Las Letras is a good way to learn a few things about him if you care enough to know. 😅

How fucked up am I?

How fucked up am I?

I’ve been, ever since pain got me and deliberately hit me continuously. I remember running away from it rather than facing it head-on. But escaping from it is useless because, in the end, it traps me. 

You asked

What is so interesting about your dark and confusing world, you asked?

Maybe, because I can resonate with it so much. And that despite your dark world you manage to thrive. I have this unconventional attraction to those who are in the emotional abyss. I feel like I can dive freely into that deep and complicated emotions - soak myself in it until I get enough. 

Not feeling

Maybe when we feel unloved for a long time, we can hardly feel real love at all. Instead, we dodge it, delay it, shove it aside - then we realize that we’ve lost it. We are used to grieving anyway, the normal case.

There are many times, maybe, that I’ve lost it. I can’t pinpoint exactly when but I knew I felt it. But am so used to not trusting my gut feeling and not going for it. Now, I find myself chasing after the wrong people. Mostly, a one-sided fascination. I question whether they will ever love me or not because I have given myself way too much. 

But they never do. And the cycle goes on.

What passion truly means

 

You see, as a person who does or categorizes things in both extremes (like it or not), I struggle to be passionate about things I don't like doing. Ooohh if you find me doing things just fine, I might be pretending or faking it (lols) just to get by.

This statement of Francis Kong is something worth pondering about:

"Passion isn't about what you like or love to do. That could be a hobby. Passion is about doing the things you do excellently and even though at times you may not even feel like doing it."

An escape from lockdown

 

Despite its convenience, phone camera photos aren't as high res compared to real cameras. I should've brought my camera no matter how heavy it is. Now I'm stuck on using my phone for the next two years :)

This is just sublime. 

Stopped reading people

I think I try to read through people a lot. Trying to decipher them, even when, it’s unnecessary. Sometimes, I thought I did figure them out but only to find out that I didn’t. They are wired differently than I thought. 

So, this time around, I stopped wondering why people do what they do. Maybe, not really “stopped” but only focused on those who needed or deserved the attention or the thought. My mind’s space can only accommodate enough. Might as well use it for something worthwhile.